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Completely unbiased

Find your perfect kibble

Answer a few simple questions and we’ll match your dog with the perfect bag of brown pellets. Probably.

Question 1 of 8 Ingredients

What would you like the main ingredient to be?

A surprisingly useful place to start.

Recognisable meat The sort of ingredient that does not require a glossary. Meat somewhere near the top Preferably before the peas, powders and optimism. “Animal derivatives” Mysterious. Efficient. Technically words. Whatever gives it an 18-month shelf life Dinner should be prepared for the apocalypse.

How processed would you like dinner to be?

From “still looks like food” to “has met several machines”.

As little as possible Food first. Industrial journey second. Prepared, but still recognisable I would like to know what happened to it. Changed beyond visual recognition The ingredient and the finished product need not have met. Fired through a machine until shelf-stable If every piece is identical, nature has clearly succeeded.

What should your dog’s dinner look like?

There are no wrong answers. There are, however, brown ones.

Like actual food A radical visual concept. Like meat Because that is what I thought I was buying. Like tiny brown paving stones Architectural. Repeatable. Beige-adjacent. Exactly the same forever Variety is an unnecessary administrative burden.

How important are natural ingredients?

Please ignore the mountain on the packaging while answering.

Very important I would like the food to do the convincing. Quite important At least some of it should have existed in a field. The word “natural” will do Especially in a handwritten-looking font. Not important The illustrated wolf seems trustworthy enough.

Should it resemble something dogs evolved to eat?

The dog has declined to provide a written statement.

Yes: meat, bone and offal A suspiciously straightforward answer. Something broadly meat-based I am willing to negotiate, but not with maize. A cereal-based pellet Just as wolves famously ordered. Evolution feels a bit old-fashioned Dogs have had access to marketing since at least 1957.

How do you feel about unnecessary fillers?

This question has been brought to you by the word “unnecessary”.

No, thank you I bought dinner, not volume. Still no The second opportunity has not changed my mind. Only if they sound wholesome Ancient grains have excellent public relations. Fill the bag The dog will never read the back.

Should dinner smell and taste like food?

Your dog has asked us to emphasise the taste part.

Yes This feels like a low bar. Preferably I remain open to dinner behaving like dinner. Brown dust is acceptable Water can add the excitement later. My dog eats socks Standards are already under review.

Final question: do you actually want kibble?

There is no pressure. Apart from the previous seven questions.

Yes I have remained loyal to the biscuit. No This has taken an unexpected turn. I did when I started The calculator appears to have interfered. I suspect this calculator has an agenda An outrageous accusation.

Choose an answer before proceeding. The calculator is biased, not psychic.

Tap an answer to continue

I TOOK THE COMPLETELY UNBIASED
KIBBLE CALCULATOR

MY RESULT

0% Kibble compatibility

The biscuit relationship is deteriorating.

Your perfect kibble does not exist.

I accidentally described raw dog food.

meat for dogs IS YOUR DOG MORE BISCUIT THAN MINE?
TAKE THE COMPLETELY UNBIASED KIBBLE CALCULATOR
meatfordogs.co.uk

Why did I get this?

Your result

Your answers were alarmingly reasonable.

Calculated using several questions, some arithmetic and absolutely no peer review.

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